The eCCentriC

My Site Has Moved

2007-10-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

I'm now at Junk Food For Your Brain.
You can find all my old posts, plus my new ones plus cartoons and more.

Common Metaphor Problems

2007-09-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

"More Fun Than A Barrel of Monkeys"
First off, we have to ask a couple questions:
How big is this barrel? And a follow up: Is it crammed with monkeys or are there just a few?
If it's a very small barrel and the monkeys are crammed in there, upon opening the barrel one would find some very smelly, dead monkeys. I don't know about you, but dragging a bunch of monkey corpses around town trying to find a place to bury them does not sound like my idea of a fun time.
Now, let's say they're not dead, just seriously injured. I still think I have better things to do on a Saturday than nursing some half-dead monkey back to life just because some idiot stuffed him into a barrel thinking it would be fun.
However if it's a large barrel and the monkeys have room to run and play, then that would be fun! Provided they were domestically trained. You wouldn't want to open a large barrel only to discover several wild monkeys waiting to leap at you and scratch your balls off.
So we definitely want housebroken monkeys. But what could be more fun than that? How about housebroken monkeys who wear people-clothes and act out scenes from your favorite movies? Or monkeys playing paintball? The point is, playing with monkeys is much more fun than simply watching them. If we're going to create a metaphor labeling something as "the most fun you can have" we're going to actually have to have the most fun you can have. You dig?
And who uses barrels anymore? That has to be a monstrous shipping fee from whatever store you're ordering from. Everyone uses crates these days.
So the saying should actually be "More fun than a large crate full of domesticated, healthy monkeys who have no intention of scratching your balls off but rather would play paintball or wash a cat or something with guns and they'd also dress up in costumes and act out parts of your favorite movies."

Crank It!

2007-09-04T14:30:00.001-07:00

I love classic rock station radio promos because they're never gonna get any new albums, they just have to find new gimmics. As my grandfather used to tell me "Buy classic rock, it's the one thing they're not making anymore." Well, gramps, this radio promo is for you:

It's September, and that means we're only one month away from the greatest ongoing radio promotion of all time: SHOCKTOBER!!
We'll shock you with one million volts of rock featuring the greatest shock rockers of all- Led Zeppelin, Metallica and more Led Zeppelin. It's called SHOCKTOBER and we're gonna SHOCK all month long.

But before that, get ready to have your eyes blown out of your ears as we bring you rock's greatest tunemeisters- Led Zeppelin, Metallica and more Led Zeppelin! You'll rock 'til you drop, then rock some more and it'll look like convulsions but you'll just be rocking as they wheel you away to the rockhospital! It's called ROCK-TOBER and we're gonna ROCK all month long!

It'll make you forget all about the horrible events of last Rape-ril.

Gotta Have Heart 2

2007-08-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

Episode 2: Kidney Trouble

Brought to you by

Which sucks badder?

2007-07-19T15:32:00.001-07:00

So this afternoon I'm tired of working on my unemployment and I decide I need a break. I sit down on the couch and start flipping through the crap that they put on in the afternoon trying to find something decent when I came upon the Fantastic Four Movie. Now I'd heard nothing about this movie except that it was generally considered crap but surely it couldn't be that bad, right? I mean it's a comic book movie, there's bound to be some cool fight scenes. So what if I have to wade through the acting and dialogue? And the directing...the story...and the fact that it seems like the movie is wiping it's ass with a decent comic? And now the Thing is finding love with someone who *surprise* turns out to be blind. And everyone learns about being different and how cool it is to be yourself.
I'm imagining the writer typing it out on his typewriter, hunched over in the dark, keys tapping frantically *Chunk* *Chunk* *Chunk* *Chunk*, then thrusting his arm upwards as if pointing at the sky and proclaiming "Genius!" I then imagine that same writer later roasting in hell, white hot pitchforks halfway up his ass, suspended over a molten river of shit while being gang raped by his worst enemy, his grandfather and a goat for all eternity and think "Not a good enough punishment".

So I channel surf some more and what do I see on MTV? It's a little bit of Satan's smegma called "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie". I shit you not.
Do you realize what had to happen to get this thing made?
Someone had to tell someone else that they had a good idea for a movie.
Then that someone else had to have asked 'What is it?'.
Then that first someone would have had to reply "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie."
Then that other someone else would have had to not only resist ripping out that person's brain and stuffing it up his own dick, but would have had to say "That's a great idea."
Those two would had to have immediately imploded from the vacuum caused by their own idiocy and a third person had find the script when walking by and would had to have proceeded to make it without ever reading it. Additionally, no one individual had to have ever read the full script at any time, for upon reading it their asses would have surely shot out of their mouths.
Then that finished movie would have had to be screened by executives.
These executives would have had to have liked it because they would have been sucked into another void of idiocy and a secretary would have had to knock on the door and ask if the movie would air and she would then have had to take the silence for acceptance and call programming and tell them to air it.
At this point I have to assume that someone with sense (probably a PA) watched it and, just before dying of ass-shooting-out-of-mouthness, managed to crawl down the hallway and with his dying words implore the scheduler to pull the movie. But the scheduler had his orders and wanted to keep his job but to minimize deaths played it at 2 in the afternoon when few would be watching. But that last part's just an assumption.
Of course I tried to watch it, but I soon felt my throat tightening and barely managed to switch back to Fantastic Four, which is a bit like emerging from a room filled with poison gas into the oldest outhouse at Oktoberfest. But at least I was alive.
And it really made me hope that one day the creators of the hell turd known as "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie" will be watching the Fantastic Four writer struggling on his white hot pitchfork above the noxious fumes while being gang raped and they'll think "Man, that guy is lucky."

On a random number scale I give it a 2845732.

Gotta Have Heart Episode 1

2007-07-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Check out my new cartoon series:

One video for you

2007-01-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

Funny stuff, because it's unexpected.

Local Comedian-Investigator Stymied By Laughter

2006-11-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

CARRBORO, NC- Local comedian turned private investigator Larry Jenkins says he is unable to complete his investigation into the murder of Drew Bennett because all his inquiries are met with laughter.
"I went down to the station to ask about the bloody glove I found and they just started laughing," he says.

When questioned about Larry's inquiry, a spokesman for the police department, Lieutenant Calloway, responded "Yeah, he's hilarious. He came in here waving a bloody glove and he's all 'What's the deal with this bloody glove? I mean if Drew was strangled there wouldn't be any blood.' Boy, we all just cracked up."
Larry has already lodged several complaints but has so far only received more laughter.

"I complained to the Chief of Police that the professional standards in New York were vastly superior to those of Carrboro and he too just laughed me out of the office."
According to Police Chief William Bradley, Larry was indeed "hilarious". Said Bradley "He walked in and asked me if I knew the difference between New York and Carrboro, and before I could answer he went into a fantastic rant about how New York cops act like this" Bradley sits straight up in his chair, imitating Jenkins "And Carrboro cops are like this," Bradley slouches in his chair and feigns falling asleep.

"Man," he continued, "I'd seen this bit of his act at the Laugh Hut, but it was so much funnier seeing it in my office." He added, "We really have to get that guy to host our annual ball."

Larry Jenkins says this type of incident is frequently an obstacle to his attempts to solve a murder.

"The police are no help, and forget about questioning witnesses." Jenkins says. The last witness he tried to question was sent into spasms of laughter before Larry could even finish asking about the difference between men and women in terms of cutting skills.

This isn't the first incident affected by Larry's comedic career. Previous incidents included a flight attendant who failed to take seriously a complaint about the airline food, a meeting on race relations that had to be postponed when Larry began detailing the differences between blacks and whites and the embarrassing incident that occurred when Larry attempted to return a large chest full of over sized pencils that was delivered to his house by mistake.
Of the last incident Larry says, "I had to pay for the entire shipment and they won't refund my money. I guess I can try to write it off. I'll have to get the lead out if I want to submit it by the deadline. What? What's so funny?"

Thursday Links O' The Day

2006-11-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

First up, a kind of amusing recut of the Transformers Movie using the audio from the Lord of the Rings trailer.

And a very funny piece about Rumsfeld.

And finally, just an awesome clip of a guy who cannot play the drums or piano, except through the magic of editing. It's a great, simple idea.

Anyone find anything else amusing?

Our legal department hearts Schrodinger

2006-11-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've been playing tug of war with our legal department all week trying to get some bits for tonight's show cleared. It's not a difficult concept to grasp, I send them paperwork, they tell me if they have everything they need, then it can be put in the show.

One especially irritating bit seems to have it in for modern physics as the bit seems to be both cleared and not cleared at the same time. It exists in some sort of limbo where it has been played on television, yet it cannot be played on television. It's not that it could have been played at one point and now something happened to the paperwork and it can no longer be played. Indeed, nothing about the paperwork has changed. Some sort of black hole has opened up in our legal department that's twisting the various fabric of space causing some paperwork to both exist and not exist, much like Schrodinger's cat. Or maybe it was paper gnomes. At any rate, the point is that what once was valid is no longer so. And I spent all yesterday making it valid again. But it was already valid in the first place. So I spent yesterday Un-Schrodingering Schrodinger's Cat, if you will- and please don't.
Basically the upshot is that I went home last night with a huge headache.

My Love-Bot is Broken

2006-09-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone calm down, I have a confession. I may have made a grave mistake. You see, over the past several months I have been attempting to create a Love-Bot, that is a robot with the capacity, the will and the comfortably fuzzy arms to embrace and love a human. I also installed a fuck hole just in case.

Unfortunately my robot has not worked out as planned. I can see now that adding those missile launchers was probably unnecesary. And by the ruins of my once beloved aunt, I understand why the lasers were unnecesary. I assumed they were lasers of love, but they were just regular lasers made of intensly focused light able to burn through most anything in the house. In retrospect I should have read the instructions.

No, put down your guns. Don't bother shooting him. I installed 3 inch armor plating everywhere. Why? I don't know, it looked cool. And I certainly never thought he would go on a killing rampage and need to be shot in his only vulnerable spot which is his chest. Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you that. Sorry. Heads up, incoming pieces of shrapnel. Yeah, well NOW I know that grenades are rarely involved in love making. But then again hindsight is 20/20.

Oh, there is another way in. You could try to go in through the fuck-hole, although it is lined with sharpened adamantium blades and a tiny penis guillotine so I wouldn't recommend sticking anything in there that you don't want to get back out.. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking with that one either. But there's no way my other robot will have the same defect. In fact, Kill-Bot ahould be able to stop Love-Bot.
Here he comes now. Don't worry, he was created solely to dispense justice.
Kill-Bot! Kill!

Duh, what do you think the flowers are for? Yes he is attempting to kill him with kindness, why do you ask? What do you suggest, laser guided missiles and claws? Ha! That's why I'm the robot scientist and you're just a four star General in the US Army.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2006-09-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

This is a true blog entry.

Apparently Ludicrus is in our studio today. How do I know this? Is it because they sent around an email telling us who will be using our studio, thus lessening the curiosity and the urge to peek into the "forbidden zone" of studio 1? Of course not. They did send around an email but it achieved the opposite effect.

The email stated:
The following areas are off limits due to our special guests:

[blah blah blah, list of studio areas we can't go to]

Do not attempt to look anyone in the eye or communicate with them in any way.

I may be exagerating a little bit, it could have said 'Don't look at anyone in the production' or something like that. I deleted the email cause rules don't apply to me. But that was the message
in a nutshell: No eye contact. So what, we're supposed to walk down the hallways with our eyes down? If someone tries to get our attention do we run away? What about an emergency? Say there's a fire in the building. I'm not supposed to warn them? Do I then ignore their cries for help after they're crushed under a falling girder?
Okay, even without an emergency, isn't "Don't look at anyone" a ridiculous requirement? And how does that reduce curiosity and therefore accidental eye contact? And is a question mark the only punctuation on my keyboard that works?
Also, if they're trying to keep it a secret, they probably shouldn't put up big signs in the parking lot saying "Parking for Ludicrus Only".
Also, how about finding a spot for regular employees to park so they don't have to walk 3 blocks to get to work? Just sayin.

I'm not familiar with your stereotypes

2006-09-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

by Bob Parsley
(The views expressed in this entry are the opinion of Bob Parsley and do not reflect the views of this blog.)

I'm a racist and I hate people. Specifically, people who are not me. I hate lots of people for lots of different reasons and although I'm still getting the hang of your stereotypes I think it's time for me to speak out. First of all, all you fat people, stop playing with your stupid abacus and doing your long division and go out their and get a job. I'm sick of my taxes paying for your fat ass research. That felt good getting that off my chest. As long as I'm here I might as well tell off all you Asians too. Stop invading our cities and stealing our jobs or we'll just cordon you all off in the south and you can get back to picking cotton.
And you women, you need to stop hunting all the whales to extinction and if you hate it here so much why don't you go back to Israel?! As long as we're sending people away, we might as well go ahead and send the Jews back to Africa where they came from so they can stop taking my jobs.
Of course this wouldn't be so much of a problem if the blacks would stop running the world's banks and complaining about menstration and go back to Canada. And is it just me or is everyone else sick of all these Mexicans working at an office during the day and playing in soft rock bands at night? And don't get me started on those well groomed, McMansion dwelling hippies. I tell you, the world just needs a good sorting out.

Meta Humor

2006-09-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I was eating a bunch of little, tiny pillows. When I woke up my bag of marshmallows was gone.

What's black and white and red all over?
Lots of stuff!

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a layer of cellophane.
He asks "Doc what's wrong with me?"
The Doc responds "I can clearly see your penis!"

A horse trots into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks him "Hey, why the elongated face?"

A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this? A humurous anecdote or story told for amusement with some sort of twist at the end intended to elicit laughter?" And the rabbi replies "No, we just came from a funeral." The bartender felt bad and gave them all free drinks. But priests don't drink. So the priest gave his drink to the guy sitting next to him. Then they spent the next few hours reminiscing about their deceased fellow.

Great comedy links

2006-09-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hilarious.

News As Seen From the Eyes of a PCP Addict

Games of the Future, Yesterday!

And of course, the hottest new rapper. I think his time has come:

Average Homeboy

Overly Explanative Detective Comics #1

2006-09-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

I slipped my hand into my overcoat pocket and felt the cold steel of the cold steel gun. Gripping it tightly, I continued to walk nonchalantly towards the dark alley, knowing that whoever was following me would have to continue following me down the alley in order to follow me some more.
I passed out of the streetlight and immediately shimmied to the side, against the wall and shrouded in darkness. I waited as the approaching footsteps got louder and, I assumed, closer as well, an assumption that turned out none too tragically to be correct. An assumption so logical as to hardly warrant even such a passing mention as this, and indeed this will be the last.
My shadow crossed into the alley and my breath caught in my throat as-
I should probably mention that in this context the 'shadow' is the person following or "shadowing" me, not my actual shadow, I would hardly mention that my shadow was following me because that's a normal type of activity for a shadow. It generally follows a person, being nothing more than the result of an opaque object crossing some sort of light source. Unless of course you're in total darkness in which case you have no shadow. But some people may say you are entirely in shadow in this situation. I respond that a shadow requires a light source, therefore in total darkness there is no shadow.
I was then shot in the face.

Today's Headlines

2006-09-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

CNN:
Republicans Denounce Partisanship, Democrats
Bob Wilkins

WASHINGTON, DC - On their first day back from a week long recess Republican lawmakers denounced the air of partisanship in the nation's capital, also the Democrats. Said Majority Leader Bill Frist "For too long, any attempts to create legislation have been blocked by the partisan divide, also the Democrats." He went on to say that "In order to return our nation's representatives back to the business of lawmaking, we must overcome partisanship, and Democrats." Critics claim that Republican lawmakers are simply trying to change the issue.
Said one high ranking Democrat leader "Right now we really want to talk about Iraq and what a disaster it has become and we plan on issuing a carefully worded letter to the Republicans asking them in polite, yet firm tones to please change the conversation to that. That is of course once we get at least three Democrats to agree to sign it."
The constitution still allows House Democrats to write a letter to Republican leaders.
Republicans immediately responded that if Democrats wanted to clear the partisan air, the best solution was to elect more Republicans.
In a tersely worded response the Democrats then said that they hadn't mentioned anything about partisanship and quickly added "unless you want us to."

There was an old lady that lived in a convention center

2006-08-29T14:45:00.000-07:00

Mike and I took in a Cat Show over the weekend before the big bachelor party.
That's right.
A Cat Show in the convention center.
I will refrain from making any jokes about a "hall full of pussy" or "letting the cat out of the bag and then chasing it around with sticks" or getting my "CAT scan" or "if I'm fe-lyin' I'm fe-dyin'" or "it was purrfect" after this paragraph.
I will say that it was packed to the rafters with old ladies, generally cantankerous old ladies. I believe I was yelled at at least 3 times by a lady trying to get past me. Not like they asked me once, nicely and I ignored them. No, they went straight to the crotchetiness. Imagine a bunch of female Dick Cheneys with cats. That was the majority of them. There were others too, some very nice, and some very odd, as you would expect.
I touched one of them there hairless cats. It was kind of creepy. His face was all wrinkled and he had this little pink body. It was liking touching a tiny old man who had baby skin. I highly recommend it.
There were some great characters there, too. Like the transvestite couple and the white trash couple- she with large fake boobs and he with long greasy hair looking like some sort of Metallica reject who tried out for Metallica and then was rejected by them.
Basically, it was a great way to spend an hour. Especially while intoxicated.

An open letter to a porn company

2006-08-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Dear sir or madam,
I was disappointed to find that your latest DVD entitled "Girls Hunting Girls" was in fact girls having sex with each other and not, as I expected, girls hunting the most dangerous game: humans, with machine guns riding porcu-sharks (a porcupine/shark crossbreed known for it's sharp quills, dangerous ferocity, and a terrifying, never-satisfied need for cuddling). Instead of the countless hours of girls hunting and killing other girls in cold blood and feasting on their entrails as well as instructions on the care and feeding of porcu-sharks, I was forced to watch several hot girls having sex with each other for fun. I was apalled and outraged. And just to make sure I understood the depths of my feelings I watched it 3 times. Furthermore, it gave me a dangerous buzzing-warmth in my genital region which I usually only get when suspended naked in a vat of warm pudding. I certainly hope that your next film "Anal Atrocities Volume 4" is a detailed docu-drama of the war crimes that occured during the Serbian conflict and not more erotic filth like the first 3 volumes, which incidentally, have worn out after several weeks of continuous viewing.

Yours,
Herbert J. Pumpernell, Esq.

Party like it's your bachelor party

2006-08-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

WARNING: What follows is a chilling/boring review of Matt's bachelor party which you may or may not find any interest in if you don't know Matt. Hell, you still may not find any interest in it, in which case just skip on to the next entry.
Spent yesterday recovering from Matt's bachelor party. And Matt likes his bachelor parties like he likes his coffee: full of women. I may still be a little drunk.
We kicked off the night with a video presentation of adult film stars sharing their stories about Matt, none true, that I know of. Then went to a fantastic hookah bar and restaurant on Ventura in Studio City called the Bird Cage. I highly recommend it if you're in LA and want a nice dinner. We ate, then kicked back and smoked a few hookahs. Boris, the owner, was great, he hooked Matt up with a bottle of champagne for his party. Then we got drunk at a bar. Then we went to a strip club where I managed to get the lovely and talented Brooke Haven to get us in for free so we could watch her dance. Naked. Onstage. With boobies.
Then it was back to the house for drinks and more porn. I finally got home about 7 in the morning and all in all I think it went well. I woke up in the afternoon to find no dead hookers in the trunk and no pile of drugs in the living room so I guess by some people's standards it was tame.

Cool fucking T-shirts

2006-08-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Hey, check out Threadless.com for some cool t-shirts. People submit their ideas, others vote on them and give suggestions, and if the score's high enough, the design gets printed. Pretty cool.

I'm a girl watcher

2006-08-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

I'm editing porn. My review of the current project, which was not filmed by us:

Director Someone You Don't Know has done it again in the seventh installment of the wonderful series "MILF Chasers". In this most recent film, three guys whose names you never find out spot an ~~attractive, yet~~ older woman, the MILF or Mother I'd Like to Fuck. They persuade her to get in their limo on the premise that they will give her a ride home and nothing more will happen. Things start to get a little hot and sexy as the guys' dialogue, although creepy and almost raper-esque to the viewer, turn the MILF on. She eventually acquiesces to their demands and fulfills all their sexual needs both in the limo and at her mansion. I won't spoil the surprise ending, suffice it to say that the MILF gets her CUMuppance in the ~~butt~~ end.

Director Someone You Don't Know does an admirable job of turning the adult film genre on its head by casting as the female lead not a MILF, but rather a SIRNFTYVM (Someone I'd Rather Not Fuck Thank You Very Much). The disgust the viewer feels while watching the SIRNFTYVM ultimately leads the viewer back around to being disgusted at himself for watching. Certainly, this is not for the squeamish or those who enjoy their women beautiful in the traditional sense, or indeed in any sense.

The extremely well done camera work manages to avoid the worst parts of porn, namely the sex, while masterfully leaving in the incredibly improvised dialogue. The rapid camera movement draws the eye to every part of the screen simultaneously yet manages to be so obscure as to cause the viewer to wonder which body part he is looking at now. This brilliant move forces the viewer to look at everything without seeing anything. I could almost draw a comparison to Samuel Beckett if I knew anything about his work.

Director Someone You Don't Know also draws the viewer in and then smacks him around a bit, before releasing him back into the wild. He breaks down the barrier between subject and director, between film and real life both by his interjection of himself into the film as well as his decision to use only natural light, which at times makes it appear as though one is looking at oncoming headlights in the dark of night. Indeed, the hand that sometimes appears at the corner of the screen, or the shadow of the camera man that falls over the actors makes it impossible to forget that there is a man behind the camera. This forces the viewer to realize that the whole scenario would be slightly creepy, if it weren't so comicaly disgusting.

All in all, a masterful piece of art, one that will live on for decades, perhaps in a landfill somewhere. I give it two dicks up.

Let them eat cake

2006-08-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

I used to be on a porn set that shot live TV every weekend. One night it was one of our regular female talent's birthday so I was sent out to buy a cake. I looked around the grocery store for a while before deciding on a delicious looking chocolate cake. I took it to the bakery, which was closed, and managed to talk the girl behind the counter into writing the talent's name on it. I even bought candles for this cake. It was getting more and more delicious. And chocolatey.
I brought it back to the set and we decided to give it to the male talent(porn star Evan Stone) during the commercial break. He'd go out and present it to the girl then bring it back and we'd eat it.
I was all set. I'd gotten paper plates, knives, forks. This cake was going to be good. I'd talked it up to everyone in the control booth and we're all eagerly anticipating some chocolate cake. We're sitting there singing chocolate cake songs and high fiving and jumping up and down and...okay I'm exagerating a little but we were looking forward to it.
So Evan takes the cake, he's still fully naked mind you, and walks out onto the set singing some sort of birthday song. I pull out my knife and fork, put on my bib and prepare to take the cake and dig in when he's done.
But, when Evan reaches the end of the song, on the last note, he rears back, thrusts forward and plops his dick right onto the cake.
Right in the middle.
A stunned silence from the booth.
I put away my knife and fork.
The talent didn't mind eating the cake, everyone else passed.

Sweet merciful Moses

2006-08-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Check out the Perry Bible Fellowship. Very twisted, funny comic strip. And actually not religious.

I'm a flasher

2006-08-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

I finished my first animation this weekend. It's the fifth of a seven part epic chronicling the adventures of Santa Clause. The prequels will answer your questions and possibly blow your mind.

Take a look. If you like it, vote for it. If you hate it, go make a sandwich or something. You people who like it can also make a sandwich after you vote. I just don't want the haters to drag down the score.

Quick thought

2006-08-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's ironic that the same people that hate gays so much are themselves such big cocksuckers.

Eliminating homosexuals is more important than being able to fight terror.

Wanna see my reel?

2006-08-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm editing for porn now. It's good because I get to brush off my Final Cut skills and see nekked women for a few hours, but the downside is boobies I can't hold a tits bazoongas normal conversation pussy because all I can big old breasts think of is porn porn.
ta ta's

I need my own show

2006-07-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

So as you may or may not know I work for a large adult entertainment company that I shall refer to, for absolutely no reason, as 'The Rabbit'. The most important skill I've developed as a PA in porn is how to pick things up without touching them with my hands. It's saved my life numerous times. You never know what's hiding underneath that dirty towel. Could be anything from a used condom to a deranged bum with a knife full of herpes. Best to not take any risk.
I've become the fucking McGuyver of not picking things up with my hands. Just give me a clothes hanger and a rubber band and I'll get the whole set clean. Why don't I just use gloves? Our glove budget isn't big enough for the amount of gloves I would use. Use paper towels? Ha! By the time you've got the thing you're picking up from the floor to the trashcan it's already soaked through. That's the power of osmosis.
Aside from the actual job, the job itself is pretty good.

A Conservative's History of the Universe Part 5

2006-07-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about young conservatives and how they have this weird crush on Ronald Reagan. The following are a list of facts compiled about Ronald Reagan based on what I've read on their sites:
Ronald Reagan literally grabbed the idea of communism and single handedly crushed it.
Without Reagan, the world would not have computers or democracy or even popsicles.
Some people think he was the second coming of Jesus Christ. Anyone who says otherwise is a dangerous communist.
Ronald Reagan was so charismatic and honest and just gosh darn down-to-earth super that his shit did not actually stink. Most of it was bottled and used as a perfume.
Ronald Reagan once gave a roundhouse kick to Gorbachev because he spilled communism on the flag. It caused Gorbachev's head to explode and rain down democracy flavored rain. (Hat tip to all the Chuck Norris jokes out there.)
No one can actually say one bad thing about Reagan or his policies. He was truly the most admirable man in the history of ever. And he still is.

I don't know where this veneration comes from. He wasn't really that great. I also love the double sided claims such as 'Reagan ended the Cold War' just because the Cold War ended on his watch, yet 'Bush II didn't cause the deficit' that began on his watch, it was entirely the fault of the previous administration.

I don't get it. Someone, please tell me why Reagan was like a god?

A Conservative's History of the Universe

2006-07-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1:

The United States is Born

Amid the desolation and darkness that was the 18th century there was no hope for humanity. Then an angel appeared and created a country without parallel, a country with a system of government unlike any that had ever come before, with a people so benevolent and good that all their deeds led further and further up the path to salvation. They could do no wrong and anyone who suggested that perhaps a certain policy was a bad idea was certainly Satan, or at least one of his minions. This country of nearly godlike abilities was America.
Ronald Reagan, in his first incarnation as George Washington, led this burgeoning country to war against the mighty armies of France (which is always the villain) which sought to retain control of it's colonies. Instead of raising an army as was befitting warfare of that period, Reagan/Washington walked across the ocean, stood before the king of France and said "Mr. Louis XVI, tear down that wall." France cowered in fear and the United States was never bothered by them again.
Now that this young country was free of it's tyranical overlords, there was a serious dilema. How would the country be ruled? Certainly not be any form of government that had ever existed. America was too pure to be sullied by anything as common as previous ideas. So our founding fathers created an entirely new form of government: representative democracy.
The idea of a representative democracy had never before existed on earth. We can only surmise that our forefathers were divinely inspired by our lord and savior Jesus Christ, and not from some ancient civilization prone to buggery as has previously been suggested. In fact, much evidence points to the fact that the fathers of our country floated above the ground so chaste and pure were they. This is evidenced by the fact that today none of their footprints can be found. Some have said that they owned slaves. This is a dirty lie. It was their wives who owned the slaves, thus tarnishing these men's good names as women are apt to do. Silly women, will they ever learn that men know what is best? At any rate, they formed a representative government that was free and fair for all and everyone was happy.
But soon darker skinned people and women would be allowed to vote. The Dark Ages were approaching.

For real this time

2006-07-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is where my blog will live for real because MySpace was annoying the piss out of me. Maybe someday I'll have my own website with movies and stuff but for now, this is it.

Why z33t.blogspot.com? All the names I wanted were taken so I typed something random that happened to rhyme.

It's exciting so far isn't it? Stay tuned, the funny's coming up next.

New Movies

2005-04-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I love movies! I'm a screenwriter in Hollywood and I've got a million and one great ideas for movies! What follows is just a few of the titles and a brief description! If you want to buy one, contact me!! Awesome! LOL!

I Was a Teenage Limo
A wacky teenage girl wakes up one day to find that she is a limo. From being driven around town, she gets in many wacky traffic jams and learns the importance of getting rich people to their destination. (Note: she does not talk, nor have an internal monologue)

Trick or Die
A serial killing clown kills clowns for cereal on Halloween. Killer! The town learns the importance of not dressing up like a clown and holding cereal because everyone who does that dies.

Amos 'n Andy Do Vegas
Self explanatory.

The Man Who Only Ate Bran Muffins for One Year and Gets Superpowers and at First He Uses Them for Selfish Means But Then Learns the Error of His Ways and Flies To Iraq to Promote World Peace and Healthy Eating.
A man only eats bran muffins for one year and gets superpowers and at first he uses them for selfish means but then learns the error of his ways and flies to Iraq to promote the iPod.

Windows for Dummies
Finally the best selling computer help book series gets it's own movie! A young man learns how to navigate through Microsoft Windows and learns the importance of learning how to navigate through Microsoft Windows.

Ripped From the Headlines: The New York Times Stories
Hundreds of headlines from 2004. Font size= 24 Font = Times New Roman.

You always remember your first blog

2005-04-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

How much do you know about show business? Think you know it all? Want to lord your knowledge over your friends? Then take this poll and find your score. Then compare it with your friends and mock them. (Answers below.)

1. What movie is the following sound byte from? (click here) If the link is not working, go to your local CD store and purchase a copy of American Beauty. Listen to track 7.

2. Match the famous phrases with the actors who said them:
a. Fuck me, I'm stoned! 1. Richard Burton
b. Hi, my name's Richard Burton. 2. Marlon Brando
c. [unintelligible gibberish] 3. Nick Nolte
d. Rooby dooby doo. 4. Scooby Doo

3. Why is Paris Hilton such a skanky ho? ____________

4. Wasn't the chick from American Pie pretty hot?
a. Hell yeah she was. Pass the weed.
b. We're out of weed, dude. You were supposed to buy some yesterday.
c. You were on weed duty this week, man. I bought it last time.
d. Let's just try to clear out some of this resin.
e. Fine.

5. Who played Richard Dreyfuss' character in the movie 'Jaws'?
a. Ted Danson
b. Mike Myers
c. Rod Serling
d. None of the above
e. All of the above.

7. What happened to question number 6?

8. I'm tired of making up questions so I'm going to end the quiz here. Um, ?

Answers:
1. Trick question, there is no spoon.
2. a4, b1, c2, d3
3. Maybe she's born with it.
4. I found an extra nug in the bottom of the baggie! Score!
5. e, They actually took turns.
7. There is no spoon.
8. Sounds good to me.

How did you do? Mark all the answers you got right and multiply by 100 and divide by your age. Now make up a number between 1 and 100. This is your score. Go harass your friends.

If you got:
This far, the joke's probably wearing thin. Just give it up. Everything's made up okay? Geez. Chill out.