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Common Metaphor Problems

"More Fun Than A Barrel of Monkeys"
First off, we have to ask a couple questions:
How big is this barrel? And a follow up: Is it crammed with monkeys or are there just a few?
If it's a very small barrel and the monkeys are crammed in there, upon opening the barrel one would find some very smelly, dead monkeys. I don't know about you, but dragging a bunch of monkey corpses around town trying to find a place to bury them does not sound like my idea of a fun time.
Now, let's say they're not dead, just seriously injured. I still think I have better things to do on a Saturday than nursing some half-dead monkey back to life just because some idiot stuffed him into a barrel thinking it would be fun.
However if it's a large barrel and the monkeys have room to run and play, then that would be fun! Provided they were domestically trained. You wouldn't want to open a large barrel only to discover several wild monkeys waiting to leap at you and scratch your balls off.
So we definitely want housebroken monkeys. But what could be more fun than that? How about housebroken monkeys who wear people-clothes and act out scenes from your favorite movies? Or monkeys playing paintball? The point is, playing with monkeys is much more fun than simply watching them. If we're going to create a metaphor labeling something as "the most fun you can have" we're going to actually have to have the most fun you can have. You dig?
And who uses barrels anymore? That has to be a monstrous shipping fee from whatever store you're ordering from. Everyone uses crates these days.
So the saying should actually be "More fun than a large crate full of domesticated, healthy monkeys who have no intention of scratching your balls off but rather would play paintball or wash a cat or something with guns and they'd also dress up in costumes and act out parts of your favorite movies."

Crank It!

I love classic rock station radio promos because they're never gonna get any new albums, they just have to find new gimmics. As my grandfather used to tell me "Buy classic rock, it's the one thing they're not making anymore." Well, gramps, this radio promo is for you:

It's September, and that means we're only one month away from the greatest ongoing radio promotion of all time: SHOCKTOBER!!
We'll shock you with one million volts of rock featuring the greatest shock rockers of all- Led Zeppelin, Metallica and more Led Zeppelin. It's called SHOCKTOBER and we're gonna SHOCK all month long.

But before that, get ready to have your eyes blown out of your ears as we bring you rock's greatest tunemeisters- Led Zeppelin, Metallica and more Led Zeppelin! You'll rock 'til you drop, then rock some more and it'll look like convulsions but you'll just be rocking as they wheel you away to the rockhospital! It's called ROCK-TOBER and we're gonna ROCK all month long!

It'll make you forget all about the horrible events of last Rape-ril.

Gotta Have Heart 2

Episode 2: Kidney Trouble

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Which sucks badder?

So this afternoon I'm tired of working on my unemployment and I decide I need a break. I sit down on the couch and start flipping through the crap that they put on in the afternoon trying to find something decent when I came upon the Fantastic Four Movie. Now I'd heard nothing about this movie except that it was generally considered crap but surely it couldn't be that bad, right? I mean it's a comic book movie, there's bound to be some cool fight scenes. So what if I have to wade through the acting and dialogue? And the directing...the story...and the fact that it seems like the movie is wiping it's ass with a decent comic? And now the Thing is finding love with someone who *surprise* turns out to be blind. And everyone learns about being different and how cool it is to be yourself.
I'm imagining the writer typing it out on his typewriter, hunched over in the dark, keys tapping frantically *Chunk* *Chunk* *Chunk* *Chunk*, then thrusting his arm upwards as if pointing at the sky and proclaiming "Genius!" I then imagine that same writer later roasting in hell, white hot pitchforks halfway up his ass, suspended over a molten river of shit while being gang raped by his worst enemy, his grandfather and a goat for all eternity and think "Not a good enough punishment".

So I channel surf some more and what do I see on MTV? It's a little bit of Satan's smegma called "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie". I shit you not.
Do you realize what had to happen to get this thing made?
Someone had to tell someone else that they had a good idea for a movie.
Then that someone else had to have asked 'What is it?'.
Then that first someone would have had to reply "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie."
Then that other someone else would have had to not only resist ripping out that person's brain and stuffing it up his own dick, but would have had to say "That's a great idea."
Those two would had to have immediately imploded from the vacuum caused by their own idiocy and a third person had find the script when walking by and would had to have proceeded to make it without ever reading it. Additionally, no one individual had to have ever read the full script at any time, for upon reading it their asses would have surely shot out of their mouths.
Then that finished movie would have had to be screened by executives.
These executives would have had to have liked it because they would have been sucked into another void of idiocy and a secretary would have had to knock on the door and ask if the movie would air and she would then have had to take the silence for acceptance and call programming and tell them to air it.
At this point I have to assume that someone with sense (probably a PA) watched it and, just before dying of ass-shooting-out-of-mouthness, managed to crawl down the hallway and with his dying words implore the scheduler to pull the movie. But the scheduler had his orders and wanted to keep his job but to minimize deaths played it at 2 in the afternoon when few would be watching. But that last part's just an assumption.
Of course I tried to watch it, but I soon felt my throat tightening and barely managed to switch back to Fantastic Four, which is a bit like emerging from a room filled with poison gas into the oldest outhouse at Oktoberfest. But at least I was alive.
And it really made me hope that one day the creators of the hell turd known as "My Super Sweet 16: The Movie" will be watching the Fantastic Four writer struggling on his white hot pitchfork above the noxious fumes while being gang raped and they'll think "Man, that guy is lucky."

On a random number scale I give it a 2845732.

Gotta Have Heart Episode 1

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So the "electronic device" that Boston police thought was a bomb and that shut down the city was actually a Lite Bright of a Mooninite giving the finger. Talk about your over reaction. But this part is great, this is the two guys who were arrested at the news conference yesterday:




And for sheer WTF craziness, check out this site.

And finally, a cheap, effective cancer drug. Only problem is that drug companies can't make money off it, so they're not researching it.